My wish.....

I wish others knew that when a parent loses a baby before or soon after birth, they lose that child's future and their dreams of what that future held for that child.

I wish people knew the loss of the 7 months that it took to conceive McOlsen. The ultrasounds, the tests, and the planned surgery just to have a baby only to lose him. The time that I carried him. The months of sickness. The time it takes for a mother's body to heal, to be able to conceive again.

That having other children does not take away the pain of losing him.

That losing an unborn child hurts as much as losing any other child.

I wish people knew how much I need to talk about McOlsen and how happy it makes me when others talk about him.

I wish everyone knew how comforting it is to me to have his ashes here at our home and that I am thankful that we got to choose how his earthly body will spend it's eternity.

I wish everyone knew how thankful I am for everyone who loves our son and have acknowledged his life. This has been so validating in my sorrow and grief.

I wish everyone knew that I will never stop second guessing or self doubting that I may have contributed to his death. That I continually play my pregnancy over and over in my mind trying to figure out what lead us to this point.

I wish everyone knew that each of us grieves in a different way. Whatever you have to do to work through your grief is ok. There is no right or wrong. Please never judge someone for doing what they need to do to get through their grief.

I wish everyone knew about the wonderful support that we received from the hospital. The nurses, even though some were friends, were amazing. They made all the difference in our hospital experience. In meeting our son and in letting him go. For the social workers information and help and the sweet little nun who gave us a couple unexpected and unplanned laughs :) I will be forever grateful for their compassion.

I wish everyone knew that it is ok to say that you don't know what to say to us right now. Believe me, I appreciate that much more than the I know how you feel comments.

I wish everyone understood that I am working very hard on my recovery but I will never fully recover. I will always miss my son and grieve that he is dead.

I wish everyone knew that I'm not happy. I must grieve before I can heal.

I wish everyone knew that I cannot take one day at time. That is far too much. I am doing good to handle an hour at a time.

I wish that everyone could understand that when McOlsen died, a huge part of me died too. I am not the same person that I was before and never will be.

I wish everyone knew that it is far too painful to see a baby who would have been around McOlsen's age. I don't want to hear that baby cry and I for sure don't want to hear his mom complain about the lack of sleep she is getting. I would take the sleep deprivation due to McOlsen's crying over sleep deprivation due to my crying.

I wish everyone knew that McOlsen is a member of our family. His life mattered! He was a completely formed baby. That I felt him moving and saw him moving on ultrasounds. I heard his beating heart. I saw him hit himself in the head. Saw him opening and closing his mouth. That when I went to the hospital, I went through every step that everyone goes through to deliver their living baby. That we held his sweet and precious body in our hands. He was perfect on the outside and an amazing gift.

I wish that everyone could understand-understand our loss and grief. Our silence, tears, void, and pain BUT I pray that they will never understand.



We just recently got McOlsen's urn. We looked for a long time until we found the perfect one. I love it!

Go Tornadoes!

Along with fall comes soccer for our house. This year Maddox was the only one who wanted to play. I can't say that I'm missing the two extra nights of practice that we had last season when Mia played. Last week was his first game and this mom forgot a camera. I know it's highly unusual but it does occasionally happen. He even scored a goal! So this Saturday was cloudy and cold and within minutes of the game starting, it began to rain. The game continued until it began to lightening. We were all made to leave the field and go to our cars.



I'm thinking we should have brought breakfast and tailgated. How much fun would that have been? Ten minutes later it was game on!



This year I am so happy that he isn't the shortest one on the field. The one getting plowed over in every play. He is doing such a great job and is loving every minute of being out there. I love that #7! Watch out team USA. You might have a future player here!

He got his day too!

Tuesday was Maxon's first day of preschool and the start of my 6th year teaching. This was a much anticipated day since he had been left at home for weeks now by himself while the others went to school. He grabbed his backpack first thing and was ready to head out the door!



He even had to take his picture in the same spot that the other two took their first day of school pictures! He had a great day at school and was ready to go back the next day. He is growing up so fast that it makes me sad.