Thankful?

I must admit. I really struggled this Thanksgiving. How are you supposed to think about what you have to be thankful for when your just trying to keep your head afloat the sea of grief? If it were up to me, we would have done away with November through January this year. Since it's not up to me, I had to find a smile once again and carry on.

We decided circumstances as they are, we needed a break from the norm this year. My parent's came up Thanksgiving day. We really enjoyed the day together. The guys even got in on the cooking action by frying our turkey. It was relaxed and so nice to spend the day with the ones we love the most. It was also mom and dad's anniversary! Us crazy people who get married around holidays!!

Then it was time to get a plan of action for our black Friday shopping. Should it really be called that since we started at 10pm on Thursday? Anyway, we had a blast laughing at people. It was just pure crazy and bizarre what people were willing to give their life for. I'm talking about cheap towels that more than likely disintegrated with one washing. Seriously! They would have taken you down if you even thought of swiping one. We even waited in a huge line outside Target, not really needing anything. Just in it for the fun. The best part was Starbucks at 12:30 am and the fun times spent with my mom! After a couple more stops we were headed to bed. We were a little sad though because breakfast at chick-fil-a sounded so good and so well deserved but they didn't open for a couple more hours.


That night we headed to the Christmas Train at Dry Gulch. Such a great way to start the Christmas season. The best weather we have ever had there and so much fun that mom and dad went with us. I'm not sure my words can do it justice but it is an old western town. People are dressed up in costume. Some are caroling, others are working at the train depot, restaurants, others even open every door for you. You can go on a wagon or stage coach ride, shop in stores, eat tons of food, ride go carts and bumpers cars, a carousel. I could go on and on. It's a blast and great family fun.

Then we were off for the first family Christmas of the season on Saturday and Sunday. We really had a great time with family and what was much dreaded turned into such a great few days.

Where The Heart Is

Last month I randomly purchased a book in the airport. It was called 52 Things Children Need From Their Mother by Angela Thomas. Now I am not a reader whatsoever but I read this book in one day. Some of the things I already do but also gave me some really great ideas.

Angela talks about making your home comfortable for your family and for friends that may come over. This has kind of been my mission in the past but now has become very important to me. Thought I would share some of the things I like to do.

* I like my house to be clean and orderly. I truly believe that you are much more comfortable in clean than filth and chaos. I am not talking perfection here but we aren't falling over stuff laying everywhere.

* On days I am home, I like to have a special snack waiting for the kids when they get home from school. When it's cold I like to have something fresh out of the oven. I can still remember getting home from school back in the day and smelling fresh bread baking. A favorite treat at our house is a cup of hot chocolate.

*I try to remember to turn the outside and garage lights on before my husband gets home. It seem much more inviting and reminds you that you're arrival is being anticipated.

*When it gets dark outside, I like to turn lamps on in the bedrooms and around the house. It gives the house that cozy feel.

*I turn the scentsy on and make the house smell good and inviting.

*Nothing says comfort better than a fire going in the fireplace...Ahh!

*I like to turn the heaters on in the bathrooms (when I can remember) in the winter before bath time. Much better to get out of the bath into a warm bathroom.

*A new one I learned from the book was to turn the beds down so that when the kids are ready for bed, all they have to do is slide in.

They are little things but to me the little things mean the most. I want my family to want to be home and know that whatever the world has thrown at them that day, they can find peace, rest, and love here.

I love Oregon!

While we were in the hospital in labor with McOlsen, we already started planning a trip. We new that after going through this tragedy we would need a getaway. Originally we thought we would take the entire family somewhere over the holidays but then decided it would be best for Matt and I to have some time alone. Fall break turned out to work best and we just happened to have wonderful parents who opened up camp GG and Pop for the kids. After getting the kids all packed and on their way, we were off. No reservations other than with the car rental company. As soon as we got to Portland, we got our vehicle and the adventure began. We first drove to the Multnomah Falls and had lunch/dinner in the lodge that was just below the falls. We hiked a couple of waterfalls then head for the coast.


We made our way to seaside for the night. Did some more hiking and toured another town then headed up to Astoria. This area is amazing. We found the cutest hotel ever! It was on a pier and every room was looking at the water and Washington. They had adorable bikes you could check out, old restored cars that would drive you to dinner, afternoon wine and appetizers, freshly baked cookies for night time snack, and wonderful rooms that had every little detail perfectly taken care of. Someday we will be back!




The next day we headed into Washington to say we have been there and then we were on our way to Roloff Farms in Helvetia. They are the ones on TLC's Little People Big World. We didn't think we would see any of the family members but right off saw the mom, dad, their son Zach, and the twins friend who has also been on the show. It was beautiful there as well! The pumpkin patch was right next to their house. We also did two tours that went all through their land. Really cool! We had lunch there and bought our pumpkins. We had a blast and everyone was so nice.

Of course we had to work in some shopping. The little coastal towns had some of the cutest shops. We even found a hat store and if you know me well, you know I love my hats! Right by where we were staying the last night there was an Ikea and Home Goods. I found tons of things that I wanted to buy but couldn't figure out how to get them all home. We did have a carry on from Ikea and our suitcases came back much fuller than they were coming.

And let us not forget the food. We had some of the best food ever! It makes my mouth water and my fat cells get excited just thinking of the goodness we had. We like to venture out and eat at local places. We went off of some recommendations from locals and other times just got lucky. Oh and then there was Starbucks. Don't even want to know how much we spent on that but hey, it's vacation. We were trying to fit in. There are little espresso shacks everywhere!

I could go on and on about this trip. It was what these hurting souls needed. We laughed, relaxed, and enjoyed the views and the company. The thrill of just getting in the car and driving is something that we hadn't done in forever. We decided we will move there some day. one of the most beautiful places I have ever been!

Day by day

In my painful moments...I feel I can't hurt like this a minute longer. The pain is unbearable. I had no idea how physically painful grief is. It's a pain like no other. It's exhausting and unreal.

In my sad moments...I just feel so lonely as I long to hold my precious boy one more time. I never knew I was capable of so many tears.

In my jealous moments...I am jealous of those that are pregnant. I just want to throw a temper tantrum and scream that life isn't fair!!! Sometimes I am even jealous of my sweet McOlsen. He is living in such a wonderful place while I am here dying on the inside.

In my angry moments...Well, I just get angry. I'm a good person. I try to do God's will and serve Him. I am a decent mom. WHY?????

In my good moments...I feel so blessed that God chose me to be McOlsen's mom. That I got to carry him and give birth to him. That I got to see this life at a point that very few get to. That God is doing amazing work within me. Teaching me new things that I would never have learned had I not experienced this loss. That we have our own personal angel. That one day God will make all of this right.

I'm ready for the bad moments to get fewer and fewer and for the good moments to take over. Until then...I am just trying to breath.

Amen and Amen!

LIFE
ISN'T ABOUT
WAITING
FOR THE STORM
TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT
LEARNING
TO DANCE
IN THE RAIN.

Ride like the wind

After an early morning of soccer fun, we got to have a fun treat! Our old neighbor invited us to go ride horses at her parents house ( just down the road from us). Three horses were waiting on us when we got there. Mia immediately jumped right on one but the boys well, they weren't as eager. Maxon got on and started screaming to get off and we had to force Maddox on. It wasn't long before we got Madi riding all by himself though. Maxi eventually rode with me for a bit but still wasn't sure. He would go from laughing to crying to get off back to laughing again. We had such a great time! Minus the crazy wind the weather was perfect and it was great to see our friend. The first thing we heard when we got in the car was "I wish we could get horses". They were even picking out names. Yes Molly and Max would be great but I don't see horses anytime soon in our future.

My quiet girl cheers!

This week was the mustang cheer clinic put on by the high school cheerleaders. For three days after school, Mia got to go learn cheers and all kinds of cheerleading stuff that this momma knows nothing about. I figured this would be a perfect introduction to cheerleading and she could see that she didn't like it. How wrong was I? She loved every second of it. All I have heard since is chants and cheers. Maxon was even walking around singing one of the songs she learned! So tonight the girls got to go to the high school football game and cheer with the cheerleaders. At half time they went out on the field to cheer and do a dance. Cutest. Thing. Ever! She had the time of her life and even told me that she wasn't nervous at all. Who is this child??? Not sure I could handle being a cheerleading mom. Some of the pics we got aren't the greatest since thieves broke into our vehicle this summer and stole our nice camera. Another post, another time....














So proud of her! So proud that she stepped out of her comfort zone and found great reward in it. While I never was one for cheerleading, I think she got her dance moves from me! ;) That girl can shake it!

Soccer fans and pumpkins

The luckiest boy ever! He has fans that drive three hours at the crack of dawn to come watch him play soccer. It's so hard not having family close but it is awesome that my parents make such an effort to come to a game. We had a busy but fun weekend with GG and Pop. We are so blessed!


Today was pumpkin patch day for Kings Kids preschool. We had such a great morning. Minus the wind, the weather was perfect. The kids got to listen to pumpkin stories, make a cute little craft, do a pumpkin number hunt in a maze, play some pumpkin games, and most importantly pick out the perfect pumpkin. I love the pumpkin patch and hope that we can go to the big pumpkin patch this weekend or next.

My wish.....

I wish others knew that when a parent loses a baby before or soon after birth, they lose that child's future and their dreams of what that future held for that child.

I wish people knew the loss of the 7 months that it took to conceive McOlsen. The ultrasounds, the tests, and the planned surgery just to have a baby only to lose him. The time that I carried him. The months of sickness. The time it takes for a mother's body to heal, to be able to conceive again.

That having other children does not take away the pain of losing him.

That losing an unborn child hurts as much as losing any other child.

I wish people knew how much I need to talk about McOlsen and how happy it makes me when others talk about him.

I wish everyone knew how comforting it is to me to have his ashes here at our home and that I am thankful that we got to choose how his earthly body will spend it's eternity.

I wish everyone knew how thankful I am for everyone who loves our son and have acknowledged his life. This has been so validating in my sorrow and grief.

I wish everyone knew that I will never stop second guessing or self doubting that I may have contributed to his death. That I continually play my pregnancy over and over in my mind trying to figure out what lead us to this point.

I wish everyone knew that each of us grieves in a different way. Whatever you have to do to work through your grief is ok. There is no right or wrong. Please never judge someone for doing what they need to do to get through their grief.

I wish everyone knew about the wonderful support that we received from the hospital. The nurses, even though some were friends, were amazing. They made all the difference in our hospital experience. In meeting our son and in letting him go. For the social workers information and help and the sweet little nun who gave us a couple unexpected and unplanned laughs :) I will be forever grateful for their compassion.

I wish everyone knew that it is ok to say that you don't know what to say to us right now. Believe me, I appreciate that much more than the I know how you feel comments.

I wish everyone understood that I am working very hard on my recovery but I will never fully recover. I will always miss my son and grieve that he is dead.

I wish everyone knew that I'm not happy. I must grieve before I can heal.

I wish everyone knew that I cannot take one day at time. That is far too much. I am doing good to handle an hour at a time.

I wish that everyone could understand that when McOlsen died, a huge part of me died too. I am not the same person that I was before and never will be.

I wish everyone knew that it is far too painful to see a baby who would have been around McOlsen's age. I don't want to hear that baby cry and I for sure don't want to hear his mom complain about the lack of sleep she is getting. I would take the sleep deprivation due to McOlsen's crying over sleep deprivation due to my crying.

I wish everyone knew that McOlsen is a member of our family. His life mattered! He was a completely formed baby. That I felt him moving and saw him moving on ultrasounds. I heard his beating heart. I saw him hit himself in the head. Saw him opening and closing his mouth. That when I went to the hospital, I went through every step that everyone goes through to deliver their living baby. That we held his sweet and precious body in our hands. He was perfect on the outside and an amazing gift.

I wish that everyone could understand-understand our loss and grief. Our silence, tears, void, and pain BUT I pray that they will never understand.



We just recently got McOlsen's urn. We looked for a long time until we found the perfect one. I love it!

Go Tornadoes!

Along with fall comes soccer for our house. This year Maddox was the only one who wanted to play. I can't say that I'm missing the two extra nights of practice that we had last season when Mia played. Last week was his first game and this mom forgot a camera. I know it's highly unusual but it does occasionally happen. He even scored a goal! So this Saturday was cloudy and cold and within minutes of the game starting, it began to rain. The game continued until it began to lightening. We were all made to leave the field and go to our cars.



I'm thinking we should have brought breakfast and tailgated. How much fun would that have been? Ten minutes later it was game on!



This year I am so happy that he isn't the shortest one on the field. The one getting plowed over in every play. He is doing such a great job and is loving every minute of being out there. I love that #7! Watch out team USA. You might have a future player here!

He got his day too!

Tuesday was Maxon's first day of preschool and the start of my 6th year teaching. This was a much anticipated day since he had been left at home for weeks now by himself while the others went to school. He grabbed his backpack first thing and was ready to head out the door!



He even had to take his picture in the same spot that the other two took their first day of school pictures! He had a great day at school and was ready to go back the next day. He is growing up so fast that it makes me sad.

First Day of School

Once again, another school year is here. Summer just seems to go way too fast! August 11 was the first day. Mia is in 2nd grade (ugh! It seems so old!) and Maddox is in Kindergarten.

Trying out the new backpacks and lunchboxes might have been the most fun part of it all!




I always make a special breakfast for the first day. This year I made French Toast Casserole. If you like french toast you will love this plus it was super easy!

I have a feeling this is going to be a great school year. The kids both have good teachers that they really seem to like. Praying they learn lots and make sweet friends!

Hello and Goodbye

This spring I was trying to decide whether to keep blogging or not. We were so busy we could hardly see straight then a miracle happened! We found out that after 7 months of trying with complications, we were expecting! We were over the moon. After three months and a high risk ultrasound that was fine, we told the kids, who have been praying for well over a year for a baby. It was all they talked about, we should buy this for the baby, we should name the baby..., and what is the baby doing now? After being sick all summer, at 4 months I was feeling better and thrilled to know in 3 weeks would would be finding out the gender of this precious gift.

This last Monday morning I had a routine appointment but had been a little nervous because I hadn't felt the baby in a couple of days. My worst fears were confirmed when they could find no heartbeat. I'll never forget the feeling of seeing my lifeless baby on the ultrasound. The next day we went to the hospital to give birth to our sweet baby. All our hopes and dreams for the future for this little life were gone. At 3:17 pm, McOlsen Liam was born. Every part of him was perfectly formed down to his little fingernails. We held him and loved on him until about 10:30 that night when we finally gave the ok for the funeral home to come and get him. I have never hurt so bad in my life as we left the hospital without our precious boy and headed to the funeral home to decide what to do with his body. Although it happens all to often, no parent should have to experience this pain. We have had a tremendous support system and feel so blessed for the amazing people in our lives. A couple of friends were my nurses at the hospital. I am positive I couldn't have done it without them. The special things they did like getting McOlsen's footprints, taking pictures of him, and making a mold of his footprints, made a huge difference for us.

And here we find ourselves trying to figure out how to go on living our normal life when we are hurting so badly.





McOlsen Liam Pendleton 08/16/2011

Back In The Saddle Again...

I took a little break. One to celebrate spring, Matt returning home to us, and to prepare for the craziness as the end of school activities start to rev up. I have been deep in the fun of potty training, the land where your life consists of bodily functions. I see an end in sight though.... When I have not been running back and forth to the bathroom, I have been driving kids to and from birthday parties. Tis the season.... and little rest for this tired mommy!

So....even though it was late thought I would share a few spring break pics with you. We went to my parents house and we all enjoyed getting away for a while.

A little salad with your dressing???


We went to see Gnomeo and Juliet. This was a
fun treat since we have only been to the movies
a couple of times.

Enjoyed a few nice weather days!
We went to a children's museum in Enid called
Leonardo's. The kids had a great time exploring
and doing hands on activities. They even had
an amazing outdoor play area but it was super
cold so I didn't get pics.




Of course there was lots of time for driving the golf cart, jeep, motorcycle, and helping GG and Pop in the garden. What a great week! We were sad to leave.

We Will Never Forget

It's been one year since the menigitis outbreak at my childrens school. Two children lost their lives, another child almost did but lost his arms, legs, and part of his face, and 7 more were hospitalized. I will never forget the moment I found out that the first child had died. I was teaching preschool when a friend came and told me that she had seen it on the internet. It wasn't long later that the second child had been reported dead as well. My wonderful teacher friends joined me in prayer for the school and for my child who was a kindergardener at the time. The school was waiting on the CDC to arrive so that they could start administering the antiniotic Rocephin which is extremely painful to receive. So here is my 6 year old, police at school, CDC authorites, and I can only imagine what else. My husband took her to stand in line for the shot and then took her home. They closed school the next day then it was spring break. After the break she received the vaccination for menigitis which isn't normally given to children until around the age 12. It has been unheard of for this strand to affect an elementary school like this and they have no idea what happen.

To this day I still don't know if I can fully put into words how I feel about what happened. I am relieved that my child was spared, feel guilty because she was spared, grieve for the lost ones and what their families are going through, sad for the little boy whose body has been forever changed, sad for those that placed blame on school officials when they did everything they could do, sad for what my child had to go through and how scared she had to be, and yet thankful that I was taught not to take anything for granted. You never know when you could send your child to school for it to be their last day.

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Mr Brown Can Moo, Can You?

This Friday was Read Across America Day at school. Mia's class made a hat with cat ears on it. Maddox's class dressed up like Mr Brown. I am pretty sure the boy could not have gotten any more brown. Brown shoes, pants, shirt, coat, hat, and mustache. His teacher's loved it and I must admit...I thought he looked cute too!


I love this little man!!!!

Upward Basketball

We love Upward basketball. If you have never heard of it before, it is a wonderful Christian sports program. They have all kinds of different sports but around here they just play basketball. The kids learn a bible verse each week, half way through each practice they have a little bible study time, and half time of the games they have a devotional with the fans. It is so great! It's all positive, no negative yelling. The refs even help the kids to learn what they are doing wrong. Anyway, this was Mia's second year. She improved so much since last year. It amazes me to see little Kindergarten and first graders out there playing. Saturday was her last game and Monday night was her awards ceremony. So proud of her for getting out there and working so hard!

At the awards ceremony each player gets prize and this year it was a basketball. Mia is so proud of it. She also got a medal that she was pretty excited to add to her collection. They also do a drawing with all the players name. Last year Mia won so I told her that this year she would probably not win again. Guess what? SHE WON! Crazy! She won this blue pillow that she has now been sleeping with since. The season was fun but I cannot express how excited I am to have nothing to do this Saturday! It's been awhile....

Field Trip Day

This morning was Maddox's field trip to Gymnastic City. Another reason that I am so glad that I get to stay at home, I get to go on my kids field trips. The kids had so much fun. They got to jump on a trampoline, go down a big blow up slide, play in a ball pit, run and jump in a pit of foam blocks, and a few other fun things to play with. The best part of all was that he was worn out at the end of it.

Drive-In Movie Day

Today at King's Kids was our annual drive in movie day. The kids always love it. They can make a car anyway that they want to and bring it to school to sit in and watch the movie cars. It's a lot of fun to see the different cars that everyone comes up with. Since Maddox comes with me to King's Kids after he gets out of pre-k, he got to participate in part of the movie.



Matt has been gone again to the Philippines. Although he has only been gone a week, we all miss him a ton. Mia wrote him this note yesterday and wanted to mail it to him. My sweet daddy's girl!