Day by day

In my painful moments...I feel I can't hurt like this a minute longer. The pain is unbearable. I had no idea how physically painful grief is. It's a pain like no other. It's exhausting and unreal.

In my sad moments...I just feel so lonely as I long to hold my precious boy one more time. I never knew I was capable of so many tears.

In my jealous moments...I am jealous of those that are pregnant. I just want to throw a temper tantrum and scream that life isn't fair!!! Sometimes I am even jealous of my sweet McOlsen. He is living in such a wonderful place while I am here dying on the inside.

In my angry moments...Well, I just get angry. I'm a good person. I try to do God's will and serve Him. I am a decent mom. WHY?????

In my good moments...I feel so blessed that God chose me to be McOlsen's mom. That I got to carry him and give birth to him. That I got to see this life at a point that very few get to. That God is doing amazing work within me. Teaching me new things that I would never have learned had I not experienced this loss. That we have our own personal angel. That one day God will make all of this right.

I'm ready for the bad moments to get fewer and fewer and for the good moments to take over. Until then...I am just trying to breath.