My wish.....

I wish others knew that when a parent loses a baby before or soon after birth, they lose that child's future and their dreams of what that future held for that child.

I wish people knew the loss of the 7 months that it took to conceive McOlsen. The ultrasounds, the tests, and the planned surgery just to have a baby only to lose him. The time that I carried him. The months of sickness. The time it takes for a mother's body to heal, to be able to conceive again.

That having other children does not take away the pain of losing him.

That losing an unborn child hurts as much as losing any other child.

I wish people knew how much I need to talk about McOlsen and how happy it makes me when others talk about him.

I wish everyone knew how comforting it is to me to have his ashes here at our home and that I am thankful that we got to choose how his earthly body will spend it's eternity.

I wish everyone knew how thankful I am for everyone who loves our son and have acknowledged his life. This has been so validating in my sorrow and grief.

I wish everyone knew that I will never stop second guessing or self doubting that I may have contributed to his death. That I continually play my pregnancy over and over in my mind trying to figure out what lead us to this point.

I wish everyone knew that each of us grieves in a different way. Whatever you have to do to work through your grief is ok. There is no right or wrong. Please never judge someone for doing what they need to do to get through their grief.

I wish everyone knew about the wonderful support that we received from the hospital. The nurses, even though some were friends, were amazing. They made all the difference in our hospital experience. In meeting our son and in letting him go. For the social workers information and help and the sweet little nun who gave us a couple unexpected and unplanned laughs :) I will be forever grateful for their compassion.

I wish everyone knew that it is ok to say that you don't know what to say to us right now. Believe me, I appreciate that much more than the I know how you feel comments.

I wish everyone understood that I am working very hard on my recovery but I will never fully recover. I will always miss my son and grieve that he is dead.

I wish everyone knew that I'm not happy. I must grieve before I can heal.

I wish everyone knew that I cannot take one day at time. That is far too much. I am doing good to handle an hour at a time.

I wish that everyone could understand that when McOlsen died, a huge part of me died too. I am not the same person that I was before and never will be.

I wish everyone knew that it is far too painful to see a baby who would have been around McOlsen's age. I don't want to hear that baby cry and I for sure don't want to hear his mom complain about the lack of sleep she is getting. I would take the sleep deprivation due to McOlsen's crying over sleep deprivation due to my crying.

I wish everyone knew that McOlsen is a member of our family. His life mattered! He was a completely formed baby. That I felt him moving and saw him moving on ultrasounds. I heard his beating heart. I saw him hit himself in the head. Saw him opening and closing his mouth. That when I went to the hospital, I went through every step that everyone goes through to deliver their living baby. That we held his sweet and precious body in our hands. He was perfect on the outside and an amazing gift.

I wish that everyone could understand-understand our loss and grief. Our silence, tears, void, and pain BUT I pray that they will never understand.



We just recently got McOlsen's urn. We looked for a long time until we found the perfect one. I love it!

Go Tornadoes!

Along with fall comes soccer for our house. This year Maddox was the only one who wanted to play. I can't say that I'm missing the two extra nights of practice that we had last season when Mia played. Last week was his first game and this mom forgot a camera. I know it's highly unusual but it does occasionally happen. He even scored a goal! So this Saturday was cloudy and cold and within minutes of the game starting, it began to rain. The game continued until it began to lightening. We were all made to leave the field and go to our cars.



I'm thinking we should have brought breakfast and tailgated. How much fun would that have been? Ten minutes later it was game on!



This year I am so happy that he isn't the shortest one on the field. The one getting plowed over in every play. He is doing such a great job and is loving every minute of being out there. I love that #7! Watch out team USA. You might have a future player here!

He got his day too!

Tuesday was Maxon's first day of preschool and the start of my 6th year teaching. This was a much anticipated day since he had been left at home for weeks now by himself while the others went to school. He grabbed his backpack first thing and was ready to head out the door!



He even had to take his picture in the same spot that the other two took their first day of school pictures! He had a great day at school and was ready to go back the next day. He is growing up so fast that it makes me sad.

First Day of School

Once again, another school year is here. Summer just seems to go way too fast! August 11 was the first day. Mia is in 2nd grade (ugh! It seems so old!) and Maddox is in Kindergarten.

Trying out the new backpacks and lunchboxes might have been the most fun part of it all!




I always make a special breakfast for the first day. This year I made French Toast Casserole. If you like french toast you will love this plus it was super easy!

I have a feeling this is going to be a great school year. The kids both have good teachers that they really seem to like. Praying they learn lots and make sweet friends!

Hello and Goodbye

This spring I was trying to decide whether to keep blogging or not. We were so busy we could hardly see straight then a miracle happened! We found out that after 7 months of trying with complications, we were expecting! We were over the moon. After three months and a high risk ultrasound that was fine, we told the kids, who have been praying for well over a year for a baby. It was all they talked about, we should buy this for the baby, we should name the baby..., and what is the baby doing now? After being sick all summer, at 4 months I was feeling better and thrilled to know in 3 weeks would would be finding out the gender of this precious gift.

This last Monday morning I had a routine appointment but had been a little nervous because I hadn't felt the baby in a couple of days. My worst fears were confirmed when they could find no heartbeat. I'll never forget the feeling of seeing my lifeless baby on the ultrasound. The next day we went to the hospital to give birth to our sweet baby. All our hopes and dreams for the future for this little life were gone. At 3:17 pm, McOlsen Liam was born. Every part of him was perfectly formed down to his little fingernails. We held him and loved on him until about 10:30 that night when we finally gave the ok for the funeral home to come and get him. I have never hurt so bad in my life as we left the hospital without our precious boy and headed to the funeral home to decide what to do with his body. Although it happens all to often, no parent should have to experience this pain. We have had a tremendous support system and feel so blessed for the amazing people in our lives. A couple of friends were my nurses at the hospital. I am positive I couldn't have done it without them. The special things they did like getting McOlsen's footprints, taking pictures of him, and making a mold of his footprints, made a huge difference for us.

And here we find ourselves trying to figure out how to go on living our normal life when we are hurting so badly.





McOlsen Liam Pendleton 08/16/2011

Back In The Saddle Again...

I took a little break. One to celebrate spring, Matt returning home to us, and to prepare for the craziness as the end of school activities start to rev up. I have been deep in the fun of potty training, the land where your life consists of bodily functions. I see an end in sight though.... When I have not been running back and forth to the bathroom, I have been driving kids to and from birthday parties. Tis the season.... and little rest for this tired mommy!

So....even though it was late thought I would share a few spring break pics with you. We went to my parents house and we all enjoyed getting away for a while.

A little salad with your dressing???


We went to see Gnomeo and Juliet. This was a
fun treat since we have only been to the movies
a couple of times.

Enjoyed a few nice weather days!
We went to a children's museum in Enid called
Leonardo's. The kids had a great time exploring
and doing hands on activities. They even had
an amazing outdoor play area but it was super
cold so I didn't get pics.




Of course there was lots of time for driving the golf cart, jeep, motorcycle, and helping GG and Pop in the garden. What a great week! We were sad to leave.

We Will Never Forget

It's been one year since the menigitis outbreak at my childrens school. Two children lost their lives, another child almost did but lost his arms, legs, and part of his face, and 7 more were hospitalized. I will never forget the moment I found out that the first child had died. I was teaching preschool when a friend came and told me that she had seen it on the internet. It wasn't long later that the second child had been reported dead as well. My wonderful teacher friends joined me in prayer for the school and for my child who was a kindergardener at the time. The school was waiting on the CDC to arrive so that they could start administering the antiniotic Rocephin which is extremely painful to receive. So here is my 6 year old, police at school, CDC authorites, and I can only imagine what else. My husband took her to stand in line for the shot and then took her home. They closed school the next day then it was spring break. After the break she received the vaccination for menigitis which isn't normally given to children until around the age 12. It has been unheard of for this strand to affect an elementary school like this and they have no idea what happen.

To this day I still don't know if I can fully put into words how I feel about what happened. I am relieved that my child was spared, feel guilty because she was spared, grieve for the lost ones and what their families are going through, sad for the little boy whose body has been forever changed, sad for those that placed blame on school officials when they did everything they could do, sad for what my child had to go through and how scared she had to be, and yet thankful that I was taught not to take anything for granted. You never know when you could send your child to school for it to be their last day.

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